Hair we go, hair we go, hair we go…

Up until relatively recently, there weren’t really any distinctive haircuts to be seen on GAA fields. This is because up until relatively recently, everybody in the whole world had the exact same style at any one time. It was the law or something. But from the 1970s, things loosened up – man – with flaming sideburns, ‘helmets’ of hair and a veritable smorgasbord of disgusting mullets. The nineties saw the crop orthodoxy prevail to some extent, but this decade has seen signs of renascent individuality.
World-renowned crimper and feared Junior D hatchetman, Pierre de Rocquefort-Higgins, lists his most memorable GAA hairstyles (giving it a little zhoosh while he’s at it):

John Lynch (Tyrone)
Era: 1980s
Style: Enormous, Eurovision-style shaggy blond mane
Fashionableness (yes, it really is a word): Considering the time, and the fact that Ulster is about ten years behind the rest of the country, surprisingly high

Plunkett Donaghy (Tyrone)
Era: 1980s
Style: Not quite as enormous, Eurovision-style shaggy blond mane
Fashionableness: See above

Jimmy Barry-Murphy (Cork)
Era: 1970s
Style: Extremely tight buzzcut
Fashionableness: Low, given that every other male in the western world resembled one of the Hardy Boys during this decade. But he looked very cool

Niall Patterson (Antrim)
Era: 1980s/1990s
Style: Leo Sayer bubble perm
Fashionableness: I’ll repeat that – Leo Sayer bubble perm

John Duffy (Donegal)
Era: 1990s
Style: Dashing Last of the Mohicans-style half-pony (breech-load musket and buffalo skin chaps optional)
Fashionableness: Not very, but it still looked damned heroic

Ger Oakley (Offaly)
Era: 1990s/2000s
Style: Studenty ponytail, replete with overgrown, The Onedin Line-style sideburns
Fashionableness: This look will always be stylish among science undergrads, organic farmers and mentally delicate society drop-outs

John Madden (Tipp)
Era: 1980s/1990s
Style: Dapper, boyish Nigel Havers-esque ‘do
Fashionableness: High, if you’re an urbane Wall Street futures trader with a summerhouse at Martha’s Vineyard. Probably less so if you’re not

Anthony Finnerty (Mayo)
Era: 1980s/1990s
Style: Mildly bizarre frizzy hair shaped like a skateboard helmet
Fashionableness: Even lower than the Leo Sayer bubble perm

Roy Malone (Offaly)
Era: 1990s
Style: Messy, jagged Britpop cut
Fashionableness: Painfully hip

Kieran McDonnell (Mayo)
Era: 1990s/2000s
Style: Short ponytail, later followed by cornrows
Fashionableness: Fairly low, but you have to respect any white man who’ll wear cornrows in public

John Horgan (Cork)
Era: 1970s
Style: Frighteningly blond, floppy locks, rather like golfing legend Greg Norman. Or wrestling legend Hulk Hogan
Fashionableness: For the time, high. For now, low. By the standards of the golfing world, astronomical

Colm Parkinson (Laois)
Era: 2000s
Style: Messy, jagged Britpop cut (ref. Roy Malone)
Fashionableness: Hip, though not quite as painfully

And I’ll get the beards in...

Facial shrubbery has been conspicuous by its absence over the last ninety years or so, ever since all those Edwardian gentlemen simultaneously decided to shave off their robust handlebar moustaches to mark the end of the Great War. This is a pity, as many of the GAA’s founding fathers – and one or two of the founding mothers – sported fine, manly beards. The 1970s saw a mini-revival, with Scouser ’taches springing up here and there, but since then, players’ faces have remained resolutely clean-shaven.
With the following notable exceptions:

Jimmy McGuinness (Donegal)
Era: 1990s/2000s
Style: Standard goatee (beautifully offset by cascading dark curls to give an overall Musketeer effect)

Eoin Liston (Kerry)
Era: 1970s/1980s
Style: Big, bristling bear of a beard, as befitted a big, bristling bear of a man

Hughie Emerson (Laois)
Era: 1990s
Style: Sometime goatee wearer. Also sometime wearer of mass of knotted curls

Liam Currams (Offaly)
Era: 1970s/1980s
Style: Trim, full beard, beloved of psychotherapists and geography lecturers everywhere

Setanta Ó hAilpín (Cork)
Era: 2000s
Style: Extremely trendy, finely sculpted beard. A bit like Craig David has

Ciaran Duff (Dublin)
Era: 1980s
Style: Straightforward, no-messing, meat-and-two-veg whiskers