Cult heroes

We have, for a few decades now, been constantly hearing about the ‘cult of the manager.’ But what exactly does this mean in – as members of the political fraternity might say – real terms? Well, the dictionary definition of a cult includes: ‘a quasi-religious organisation using devious psychological techniques to gain and control adherents’; ‘ritual practices centred on sacred symbols’; and ‘intense interest in and devotion to a person, idea or activity.’
Now, if that doesn’t summarise the average intercounty squad, I don’t know what does. With the bossman as the sinister svengali, the players as blank-eyed devotees, and Sam or Liam as the Godhead of their worship, it’s clear that our top stars have been transformed into mindless automatons by power-crazed despots intent on domination. It’s also clear that my life is in danger if I don’t shut up right now.
But what if County Boards appointed actual cult leaders to manage the team? Cutting out the middleman, so to speak. The following counties and charismatic basket-cases might just hit it off:

L Ron Hubbard and CORK – scientist, sci-fi writer, soldier, entrepreneur, messiah…the versatile Scientology founder could be the man to lead the Rebels to another double.

Sun Myung Moon and TIPPERARY – the cracked Korean never stops going on about how he’s the rightful successor to Jesus himself, so should fit in well in a county infatuated with its own lineage and heritage.

David Koresh and ANY ULSTER COUNTY – used to feeling under siege at the Branch Davidian compound in Texas, Koresh could undoubtedly empathise with all those paranoid northerners.

Jim Jones and WATERFORD – after another season of ‘so near and yet so far’, even chugging back a bucket of poisoned Kool Aid might start to seem tempting.

Marshall Applewhite & Bonnie Nettles and MAYO – the founders of the Heaven’s Gate cult were evidently able to persuade people that eternal bliss was but a short distance away, despite all the evidence suggesting otherwise. You see where I’m going with this.

Charles Manson and CLARE – technically not a cult leader, but Manson exerted a virtually messianic hold on his followers, who were willing to do anything for him. The right man to arrest the post-Loughnane slump?