Monday, January 19, 2009

You’ve just gotta love that

Five particular reasons for holding the championship in such affection:

Leaving early to beat the traffic
I have to laugh at how some folks, who have paid good money to be there, inevitably get itchy feet with five minutes remaining and decide not to bother watching the rest of the game. Sure, we’ll get it on the radio.
In a perfect world: supporters would be manacled to their seats/terrace stanchions by unbreakable futuristic energy beams.
In a nightmare world: the players would leave with five minutes left as well.

Finding new ways of beating the traffic
Imitate Jack Kerouac in heading for parts unknown! Imitate rally ace Austin McHale as you navigate impassable dirt-tracks at high speed! Imitate that chubby guy off Deliverance when you lose your way and fall into the greasy hands of sex-crazed hillbillies with a disturbing fondness for pigs!
In a perfect world: you would own a KITT-style self-aware vehicle which whisks you home as you sleep, eat and laugh at Pete Finnerty’s inaccurate predictions.
In a nightmare world: you’d get a puncture and discover you’d left the spare at home. During a rainstorm.

Rumour and innuendo
People love to gossip and speculate, and intercounty provides us with ample material: injuries to key players, bust-ups with management, star forward spotted on the lash with certain well-known TV personality until eight in the morning, etc.
In a perfect world: scurrilous (though untrue) rumours would unsettle the opposition just enough for your team to capitalise.
In a nightmare world: scurrilous rumours about your own team would prove to be completely true.

That sick feeling in the pit of your stomach just before throw-in
I could never figure out why anyone gets tanked up before a match, because it dulls the senses and thus deprives you of that beautifully keen edge of anxiety. You’re supposed to face the prospect of defeat with something approaching mortal dread. Sure, it’s horrible at the time, but makes winning all the sweeter.
In a perfect world: all those pent-up, broiling emotions would explode outwards in relief and joy as the final whistle signifies victory.
In a nightmare world: the guy behind would puke on your shirt with nerves.

Annoying GAA-haters
Hey, I’m a magnanimous fellow. But there is something deliciously pleasurable about annoying those narrow-minded assholes who have an axe to grind with Gaelic games and the people who follow them. And it doesn’t get any better than high summer: huge crowds, skyrocketing TV ratings, great atmosphere…in direct contrast to the miserable crowds and general air of decline which attend the League of Ireland.
In a perfect world: GAA-bashing types would be forced to sit through a two-hour compilation of the most mind-numbingly tedious post-match interviews.
In a nightmare world: more people would go to see the FAI Cup final than a bog-standard championship match. But that’ll never happen, will it?

…and five indicators that your team is going well
  1. Huge signs proclaiming ‘Good luck on Sunday lads’ are planted in a ditch, obscuring the view at a dangerous bend

  2. Fertiliser bags of a colour vaguely resembling the county jersey are strung across the road

  3. Fertiliser bags of a colour not at all resembling the county jersey are strung across the road

  4. People with zero previous interest in GAA annoyingly ask everyone they meet, ‘How will we do in the match?’

  5. God – that is really annoying, isn’t it?

No comments:

Post a Comment