Monday, January 19, 2009

We’ll ‘file it away for later

The high/low point of any big match programme is the player profile, in which random team members give grudging answers to pointless questions. Should you ever find yourself in this awkward position, just use this helpful cut-out-and-keep guide, which covers all potentialities:

Name: (we can’t help you with this one, unfortunately)
Club: (ditto)
Age: (you know the drill by now)
Biggest influence growing up: my father/my first teacher/Satan
Favourite position: anywhere in the first fifteen/wherever the head man wants me to go/the reverse Praying Lotus
Rule you’d like to see changed: the tackle/the pick-up off the ground/that of our Illuminati overlords
Greatest thrill: winning my first under-age title/being selected for the seniors/absinthe, peyote and MDMA cocktail straight to the cerebral cortex
Greatest disappointment: losing the county final last year/getting dropped by the seniors/waking up the next morning to discover I wasn’t actually the reincarnation of Krishna
Favourite star of yore: Mick O’Connell/Seanie O’Leary/Gloria Swanson
Favourite food: steak and chips/fish and chips/tofu fritters (and chips)
Favourite drink: coke/stout/the blood of a freshly sacrificed virgin
Favourite TV show: The Sunday Game/The Sopranos/Mr Belvedere re-runs
Favourite actor & actress: Tom Hanks & Kate Winslett/Tom Cruise & Cate Blanchett/Divine (for both)
Favourite place: Connemara/Malta/Tijuana docks
Favourite item of clothing: Levi’s jeans/CK shirt/spiked dog-collar with matching chain-lead accessory
Ambition: to win the All-Ireland/to win the county/to win the heart of that celebrity I’ve been stalking since last November

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