In 1999, the Gaelic Players’ Association (GPA) was founded to agitate for greater players’ rights: extensive medical care, compensation for earnings lost, end-of-season holidays and so on. Apparently, our intercounty stars had, for decades past, been virtual indentured servants, forced to toil endlessly (at a game they love) for no reward, bar the honour, medals, renown, fun, camaraderie, fitness, cushy jobs in the bank, educational scholarships, sexual favours from young ladies who would, under normal circumstances, be somewhat outside our heroes’ range, etc. etc.
This shocking – not to mention appalling – situation could not be allowed continue, and the GPA nobly dedicated itself to eradicating the Association of inequality and exploitation, ultimately creating a veritable utopia for all Gaels, at all levels. Admittedly, they seem to have concentrated primarily on the economic wants of top-level stars thus far, but I’m sure they’ll get around to everyone else soon. Probably just been really busy or something.
Their ideology was set out in The First Manifesto of the Soviet Socialist International of Leninist/Trotskyist/Cusackist Social and Democratic Brother- and Sisterhood of Communist Trade and Fair Play from Referees Union Central Politburo. Snappy title, eh?
“Comrades! A glorious victory has been achieved against the mandarins of capito-fascism and their spineless lackeys! No longer will we watch the fat cats eat all the pie from their swish corporate boxes! Now they will eat their pie with the rest of us: from the boot of the car!”
(Cue crackly brass band marching music like Lenin used have them play)
Dictate 1: Henceforth the GAA will be known as Cumannach Lúthcleas Gael – the Communist Athletic Gaels!
Dictate 2: We are dedicated to the worldwide overthrow of all amateur voluntary sports bodies. We will then establish the Pan-Global Directorat for Sporting Endeavour.
Dictate 3: All records referring to the Association formerly known as the GAA will be destroyed in a symbolic fire in Croker. We might as well chuck in those godawful jerseys Ireland wore in the 2001 International Rules while we’re at it.
Dictate 4: And any photos of 1970s’ hurlers with their hair billowing out from under their helmet. God, those were ghastly.
Dictate 5: The capitalist power-mongers and running-dogs will be given two weeks to hand themselves over voluntarily for torture by our specially trained Wicklow full-backs. If they refuse, roundy bombs with fuses sticking out of them will be thrown into the VIP section of the Hogan at the next big match.
Dictate 6: Competitive sports have been outlawed because they are nothing more than war without the guns…and we only like war with the guns. They have been replaced with gently kicking a ball around in a circle.
Dictate 7: All teams must wear red jerseys in honour of our great founder, Vladimir Ilyich Cusack. The referee’s jersey is a non-issue since all referees have been rounded up and sent to the Monaghan Gulags where they will be forced to try and understand the accent.
Dictate 8: The National Anthem has been abolished. Instead we will enjoy our new anthem, Kill All Rich People (And Anyone Else We Don’t Like). Soon to be released on Totalitarian Records (CD, LP and MP3 formats).
Dictate 9: Croke Park will be demolished to symbolise the destruction of decadent free market forces. In its place will be an ugly, grey building with little practical use and no aesthetic value whatsoever. A bit like the Mackey Stand in Limerick.
Dictate 10: All decisions will be made by unaccountable quangos of faceless bureaucrats, whose actions are inexplicable and whose motivations change constantly. So the Provincial Councils stay.
Dictate 11: The only books available in the GAA Museum (now ‘The Record House of the Glorious Revolution’) will be Das Kapital, that other one Karl Marx wrote, and Babs: A Legend in Irish Sport. All other literature is forbidden! Severe penalties will be incurred by anyone caught with subversive material like Communism Is Bad, I Preferred Things The Way They Used To Be, I Must Say, and Babs: A Legend in Irish Sport.
Dictate 12: Irish has been replaced by Russian as the primary language of the Association. Dos vedanya, tavarichi Galliki. For practical purposes, Sunday Game-speak will remain the lingua franca…at the end of the day.
Dictate 13: No more cheering is permitted. Supporting one team above another is divisive and bourgeois. It is also enjoyable, and enjoyment has been outlawed too.
Dictate 14: Spreading dirty rumours about teams taking performance-enhancing steroids will cease. This is because performance-enhancing steroids are now mandatory for everyone over the age of five.
Dictate 15: The Scór is now called ‘Non-Competitive Exposition of the Musical and Other Talents of Our Comrades Throughout the Association.’ The only songs allowed will be our aforementioned anthem, whilst the recitation will be limited to the collected works of Engels. The novelty act has been abolished because laughing is an Imperialist act.
Dictate 16: To extend the hand of friendship to our downtrodden brethren overseas, we will invite The Great Satan to play a non-competitive exhibition in the Stalin Dome (formerly known as Semple Stadium). Afterwards we shall try to poison their President during the presentation by inserting an Anthrax-filled needle into the base of the cup.
“Players of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but the first round of next year’s championship!”
This shocking – not to mention appalling – situation could not be allowed continue, and the GPA nobly dedicated itself to eradicating the Association of inequality and exploitation, ultimately creating a veritable utopia for all Gaels, at all levels. Admittedly, they seem to have concentrated primarily on the economic wants of top-level stars thus far, but I’m sure they’ll get around to everyone else soon. Probably just been really busy or something.
Their ideology was set out in The First Manifesto of the Soviet Socialist International of Leninist/Trotskyist/Cusackist Social and Democratic Brother- and Sisterhood of Communist Trade and Fair Play from Referees Union Central Politburo. Snappy title, eh?
“Comrades! A glorious victory has been achieved against the mandarins of capito-fascism and their spineless lackeys! No longer will we watch the fat cats eat all the pie from their swish corporate boxes! Now they will eat their pie with the rest of us: from the boot of the car!”
(Cue crackly brass band marching music like Lenin used have them play)
Dictate 1: Henceforth the GAA will be known as Cumannach Lúthcleas Gael – the Communist Athletic Gaels!
Dictate 2: We are dedicated to the worldwide overthrow of all amateur voluntary sports bodies. We will then establish the Pan-Global Directorat for Sporting Endeavour.
Dictate 3: All records referring to the Association formerly known as the GAA will be destroyed in a symbolic fire in Croker. We might as well chuck in those godawful jerseys Ireland wore in the 2001 International Rules while we’re at it.
Dictate 4: And any photos of 1970s’ hurlers with their hair billowing out from under their helmet. God, those were ghastly.
Dictate 5: The capitalist power-mongers and running-dogs will be given two weeks to hand themselves over voluntarily for torture by our specially trained Wicklow full-backs. If they refuse, roundy bombs with fuses sticking out of them will be thrown into the VIP section of the Hogan at the next big match.
Dictate 6: Competitive sports have been outlawed because they are nothing more than war without the guns…and we only like war with the guns. They have been replaced with gently kicking a ball around in a circle.
Dictate 7: All teams must wear red jerseys in honour of our great founder, Vladimir Ilyich Cusack. The referee’s jersey is a non-issue since all referees have been rounded up and sent to the Monaghan Gulags where they will be forced to try and understand the accent.
Dictate 8: The National Anthem has been abolished. Instead we will enjoy our new anthem, Kill All Rich People (And Anyone Else We Don’t Like). Soon to be released on Totalitarian Records (CD, LP and MP3 formats).
Dictate 9: Croke Park will be demolished to symbolise the destruction of decadent free market forces. In its place will be an ugly, grey building with little practical use and no aesthetic value whatsoever. A bit like the Mackey Stand in Limerick.
Dictate 10: All decisions will be made by unaccountable quangos of faceless bureaucrats, whose actions are inexplicable and whose motivations change constantly. So the Provincial Councils stay.
Dictate 11: The only books available in the GAA Museum (now ‘The Record House of the Glorious Revolution’) will be Das Kapital, that other one Karl Marx wrote, and Babs: A Legend in Irish Sport. All other literature is forbidden! Severe penalties will be incurred by anyone caught with subversive material like Communism Is Bad, I Preferred Things The Way They Used To Be, I Must Say, and Babs: A Legend in Irish Sport.
Dictate 12: Irish has been replaced by Russian as the primary language of the Association. Dos vedanya, tavarichi Galliki. For practical purposes, Sunday Game-speak will remain the lingua franca…at the end of the day.
Dictate 13: No more cheering is permitted. Supporting one team above another is divisive and bourgeois. It is also enjoyable, and enjoyment has been outlawed too.
Dictate 14: Spreading dirty rumours about teams taking performance-enhancing steroids will cease. This is because performance-enhancing steroids are now mandatory for everyone over the age of five.
Dictate 15: The Scór is now called ‘Non-Competitive Exposition of the Musical and Other Talents of Our Comrades Throughout the Association.’ The only songs allowed will be our aforementioned anthem, whilst the recitation will be limited to the collected works of Engels. The novelty act has been abolished because laughing is an Imperialist act.
Dictate 16: To extend the hand of friendship to our downtrodden brethren overseas, we will invite The Great Satan to play a non-competitive exhibition in the Stalin Dome (formerly known as Semple Stadium). Afterwards we shall try to poison their President during the presentation by inserting an Anthrax-filled needle into the base of the cup.
“Players of the world unite! You have nothing to lose but the first round of next year’s championship!”
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